If I can just have this…

I’ve been pondering about things I would be ecstatic to have, when I have my own home and debt paid off. Things unlike the traditional, T.V., Couch, Bed, and so on.

Things I’ve always wanted to have…

A Crusader Sword! I’ve always associated myself as a modern day Knight and I’m a member of the KofC, so it’s only natural that I find a manifestation of this. Through this sword, I’ll be able to see the true meaning of the sword, not to Destroy, but to Defend. Like my favorite anime Trigun, Vash the Stampede uses a gun to do everything he can to preserve and save life, and not kill a single person, regardless of the cost.

I will use this example with the Crusader Sword, displayed of course, but I will try to see it as a sign that I am to be a defender of the weak and helpless, as Christ said, “Whenever you do this to the least of your brothers and sisters, you have done it for me.” fulfilling the Crusader part of the Sword, being a Knight of God that is “… Without fear in the face of his enemies; is brave and upright that God may love him; who speaks the truth always, even if it leads to his death; Who safeguards the helpless and does no wrong; That is his oath.” This Sword will be a constant physical reminder of that.

A silvery and sharp sign that I should be one who helps others, with my own abilities and talents, even at the cost of my own well-being. That’s going to be the hard part. It’s instinctive to have self-preservation as the main priority in the mind, but it’s possible to teach yourself to think of others before yourself. To run to someone’s aid in spite of danger, like Firemen and Policemen, well maybe not in that same sense, but when faced with any given situation, to have my mind instinctively think of the well-being of others instead of my own.

And even on my downtime, to make efforts towards charities and not just handing some homeless guy some change, but helping him find a solution to his problem…

Heh, this is starting to sound naive and irrational.

I have to be aware that I have limits, that I cannot save the whole world, and that Murphy’s Law can apply to any and all situations. It seemed like my Father had no limits when it came to doing whatever task he had at hand. He just moved, and kept on moving, regardless of how low his energy levels were. And I mean, low, the moment he sat down on his recliner, he knocked out! So how can I learn to ignore those aches and pains, the voice that screams ‘No more, please. Let me sit down. Please let me rest.‘ and to stop my hands from shaking?

I’ll look at my Sword. I’ll stare at this refined piece of metal designed to destroy, decimate, to take life, and I’ll hold it in my hands, and I’ll squeeze it’s grip, feel it as an extension of myself, raise it up, and realize the potential that lies within it. The Question it will be asking me, not “Who do I kill?” but “Who can I save?” And then I’ll realize, that true knights aren’t allowed to be tired, nor weary, nor exhausted, nor have no energy; not when there’s someone who needs my help. How can I be tired when I have to help some body?

I realize now that I can have some things purely for the sake of decorational purposes, or because I’ve always  wanted to have one, but I’m starting to think that the kind of person I will become, will have a part of myself embedded or reflected within each and every object I possess.

For I am a Knight, and this is my Oath.

Just around the Corner

It’s almost been 30 days since I took the MCAT again, and I’ve gotta say that I’m a bit stressed as that email will come. I wasn’t confident leaving the place, despite my best efforts, and I felt true defeat the first time around, needless to say, I don’t want to feel it again, or in this case, it’d be amplified because it’s the second time, and I took time and money to prepare for this.

I know that my fate is in God’s Hands, and I’ve no doubt that whatever it says on that email, I can always adapt and adjust my life to whatever situations it’s going to call for. But still… I won’t really have much peace of mind until it comes.

And everyone is being supportive about this! Ha ha ha, oh man, I’m glad they don’t see how much their support is adding to this stress. I’d feel bad if they knew… Come to think of it, I think I’ve told them, at least not directly how much their support would kill me if I didn’t do well this time.

Sigh… I can’t let these fears get the better of me. There’s too many things for me to do, I still need to volunteer and get that final Letter of Rec, I’m going to participate with the Knights of Columbus more, thus increasing my volunteering hours and experience, Josue and Norm are each going on various trips to different places, so I have to prepare for what that entails, mainly, doing more things than usual.

But, it still remains in the back of my mind… Just right around the corner! It’s there, the score that I’ve been both anticipating and dreading. I don’t know what’s going to happen! Geez, for something that’s only 5-7 hours, it sure has a pretty unfair hold over the rest of my future!

Well, I guess ranting about it, isn’t going to do anything… Well, it makes me feel a bit better… Monday, man, that’s in 2 days…

Well, I’ve never been one to back down from the future, might as well face it head on.

One forgotten detail

I was reviewing some medical school requirements and I just saw a sentence that never clicked until now. “A recommendation letter from a physician.” Wait… Whaaat!?

I know I can get fantastic recommendation letters from former bosses and professors, because they know that I’m not a man of material things but a man of morals. But I don’t know any physicians! I barely shadowed one! I’m nowhere near getting a letter of Rec from a physican!

Crap… How could I have not seen this vital detail?

So now this means that I have to go back to the hospital and volunteer/shadow once again. Well, that’s not bad, but I’m kicking myself for not noticing this beforehand. I’ll see some old friends again, I hope, but I definitely need to spend some time following a doctor around to have them see what kind of doctor I want to be so that they will write me a letter of Rec.

Blech, that left a sour taste in my mouth. Well, it’s not like I don’t like other doctors, but this feels like I’m there for the wrong reasons, sigh… No, I have to look past that. 

I am there because this task is required in order for me to become a doctor. My pride will be forgone because this task is necessary! Who cares what I think, so long as I reach all of the requirements asked of me! My reasons and personal feelings over why I dislike this are paled in comparison to the reasons and personal feelings I have for WHY I’m doing this!

This is the sort of thing I should be expecting in the future, I’ll be forced to do things that I’ll personally not like in order to achieve my ultimate goal. I guess I should be grateful that not only will this give me a chance to see some friends again, but it doesn’t go against my own morals and ethics. 

In either case, whether I like it or not, I need to get this done! So it doesn’t matter how I feel, ha ha ha, if it needs to be done, it needs to be done! That’s just it.

 

Running myself ragged

During these last couple of days, I’ve found myself staring at a blank “Add New Post” screen. I’m wanting to post something new, and yet, nothing compelling comes to mind. When I think about what’s happened during those same days, I’ve realized that these are the same days where I’ve been driving around, doing errands and essentially, coming home tired.

It’s a bit ironic, I don’t have a paying job, yet my time is often swallowed up by doing what seems like random things, yet these things, eat up my days. It’s not even the same thing twice.

I suppose I should count my blessings that there aren’t too many complex things going on right now to drain me mentally, yet, I’ve found myself, just… unable to think about anything deeply.

Which is rather odd for an odd person like me…

But there are things that require some good amount of mental power, but what I’m referring to, was thinking recreationally. Reflecting on things or events in my usual manner, I’ve got nothing… or maybe nothing too significant has happened lately… or maybe I’m just not seeing it… Interesting… Perhaps my being physically tired has taken a toll on my ability to see things from another perspective.

In either case, I really can’t think of anything at the moment to write about… Heh… Ha ha ha… Oh well…

That face in the mirror

For a majority of my college life, I’ve always kept my hair short, spiked, not very long nor excessive, it would borderline between crew cut and porcupine.

Irrelevant? No, only leading up to my point.

With a change in growth, the change in identity is simply bound to follow, and what few people realize, a change in appearance.

I’m a firm believer in the idea that one’s beliefs, ideas, and resolves are shown in one’s mannerisms, speech, and even stance. Everyday quirks that one displays everyday speak volumes to those who are trained to see them. So when one grows and solidifies one’s beliefs, this is subconsciously displayed to everyone, which is also why “Like attracts like” or why a certain mindset brings about a specific result.

Yet, now this is where my hair comes into light. My hair is growing longer, mainly due to a lack of resources to cut it, but I’ve realized that mentally, subconsciously, and physically, I’m accepting that change, I’ve found my changes being discovered as time progresses, my ideas are formed with a different set of thought-process, the passion in my voice is not scattered but more focused, and yes, I’m starting to actually look different.

Going in the reverse order, I looked in the mirror and found that my face is starting to look… different, subtle, but enough to be noticed. With a change in physical appearance, after any significant massive physical growth spurts, can only mean that something within me has changed, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, something.

I was reading AoM’s mini-series about the minds of 20-somethings, and how at the end, at the age of 25, the mind has finally and officially matured into it’s adult-hood form. So, I guess that means that my change in physical appearance might be caused by another source.

Mentally, I was slapped with the harsh hand of reality, that I was not participating in the role of an adult that I had requested from my family after my father’s death. An adult would have taken greater responsibility than what I have done, in his family, in his life, and in his future. I was still acting like a child, by refusing to see and to act when I should have, by allowing the ideas and mental state of others, however unstable, to sway me to change my position or to silence me when I needed to speak up. This was some time ago, and since then, I have tried to open my eyes and my mind as wide as possible to try to pick up the slack I was leaving. I’m actively trying to make good with my time and to take a more active role in the family, I’m aiming to become one of the main protagonists, rather than a side-character in the story of my family. I’m not there yet, but as my mind is maturing, I’m pursuing it more and more, through conversation and explanation of my actions.

Spiritually, I have seen that my life is now starting to resemble a time when I was spiritually satisfied; the time of my Catholic Youth Group. Now, I am a member of the Knights of Columbus (KofC), a Catholic men’s organization for charity and spiritual growth in God and in Brotherhood. This is a bit of a stretch, because when I was in my Youth Group, we literally focused on spiritual growth in the forms of teachings about the Catholic faith, prayer, and activities that helped us focus on growing in the faith. The KofC are full of grown men, who seem to have already reached their spiritual growth and are now expressing it through prayer and action. When I was in the Youth Group, I was among peers who are growing in the Faith like I was; when I am in the KofC meeting, I’m among men of various ages, albeit older than myself, who have reached individualized peaks of growth in the Catholic faith. The spiritual energy is rather sporadic because there’s really no one who is close to my level to help me focus my energy on. Yet, I find myself smiling, and full of both energy and peace, as I stand among men old enough to be my father. I feel glad to be there, I feel as though, this will be my new ‘Youth Group’, that these men, these Knights, can help me grow spiritually and help me reach a peak in my own path to God that will surpass my own expectations.

In terms of Emotional change, I was informed by my sister, during our conversation on the phone, that I will come across patients who will be expressing powerful emotions, so much that they will sway a lot of people. Yet in order to be a good doctor, I must remain calm and focused on the task at hand, I will be facing these passionate people and if I do not have a firm grasp on my own emotions, I will find myself making a mistake simply because I was emotionally persuaded to. Granted, I should always act on my feelings of what is right and what is wrong, but I must strong in the sense that I will have to try to calm others who will react spontaneously, if I do not cannot try to calm them down, then my abilities to help them will be greatly hindered, and then what good will I be? I need to be both gentle and strong, passionate and focused, calm and firm, ready to act at a moment’s notice to any sort of disaster or change, all the while maintaining my own composure. When I will be faced with people who are panicking, scared, worried, pissed off, depressed, even emotional-less, I will have to find ways to make sure my own emotions don’t become blended, or effected by theirs, otherwise, I’ll walk away from the experience panicked, scared, worried, pissed off, depressed or even emotional-less. If I do not have a strong heart to hold on to, I will lose it in a sea where I will wind up heartless, and then how will I be able to help people?

So far, these are the only changes that I can use to answer my question of “why doesn’t my face look familiar?” That being said, there will always be an unknown factor, something unexpected or unforeseen that can cause my change. Perhaps it’s more subtle than I can detect, other than the physical manifestation of it, and even then, I cannot accurately address what it is that’s actually different in my face, only that it seems different. For all I know, it could be nothing at all, simply a figment of my imagination, or that my now-longer hair can cause that much of a change in my appearance. Well, all things come to Light in the end, whether or not I’m aware of what it is that has, or will have, change the objective now will be to try to maintain my course, of trying to get into medical school, by whatever means necessary. I’m now waiting for my results, which won’t come until the end of February, so until then, I have much work to do, or rather, I should find ways to improve my current situation and that of my family and friends… Well, I can always go back to volunteering at the hospital…