Aim Small, Miss Small

The last couple of days I was changing the Spark Plugs on my Tahoe — scratch that, I was attempting to find the spark plugs, and wound up taking apart the fuel injector cover, only to spill a massive amount of coolant into the fuel injector housing and thus getting one of the spark plugs wet, prolonging the process because I had to completely dry out the housing for the spark plugs that I’ve apparently had covered in coolant. After that ordeal was done, I had finally replaced every spark plug, without any hassle, and drove to the Market to pick up some chicken, upon driving there, one of the cylinders was off, and when I finally checked it out, I had forgotten to plug the spark plug to the wires… Sigh…

I can almost hear my father shaking his head and calling me a Taras!

But there was one thing I noticed. The spark plugs were in their housing very tightly, so I tried adjusting the ratchet in order to get the best angle possible, and found that the actual best possible angle only allowed me a small space to turn the ratchet, just enough to push the handle a few inches. And as I slowly increased the strength exerted, I finally got past the static friction force and moved the spark/bolt/whatever else I’m trying to loosen. Sorry, that’s a bit of Physics in there.

But as I’m getting the bolt out, I was wondering about how it’s always the small things in life that make it interesting…

It’s that small smile that warms the heart, those small words that make one’s heart flutter, the tiniest of mementos that can bring back years of joy, the smallest piece of chocolate can release floods of endorphins. These small things can make one’s day, week, month, or even year. It’s almost fascinating how such a small thing can have such a potent effect in a life.

On another side of the spectrum, a small amount of force can cause cataclysmic results. imagine a snowball from the top of Mt. Everest, if it never crashes into surrounding rocks and trees, by the time it reaches the bottom, it’d be fairly large, an avalanche large enough to cause some massive amounts of damage. Well, I digress, but I think I got my point across.

The idea is that when applied to goals, you have to exert a small amount of effort to go past a small obstacle and then achieve a small goal. Heh, allow me to use what I said to Isa to get her to exercise…

Mario has to start at World 1 before he can get to World 8. So before you can start doing World 8 stuff, you have to start at World 1, you have to beat each level of World 1 to get to World 2, and then beat all of the levels of World 2 in order to get to World 3, and so on. You have to make small progresses in each World, beat each level in each World in order to get to the end and save the Princess.

Eventually, you can apply this to Life. One small victory in Politics can lead to the Presidency. One small Victory on the Battlefield can lead to one side winning the War. One small Dollar can start a Multimillion dollar company.

It’s the one step of ten thousand that starts the epic journey to conquering the Universe, all it takes is one step in the Right direction.

Unfulfilled

“One can never plan for Crazy…”

I read this in a thread pertaining to the Colorado Massacre, how no matter what you do, either carry a gun with you or become in so fit a shape you can take down anyone in 15 seconds, you cannot really plan for the seemingly spontaneous, for the moment ‘something snaps’ within someone, nor for the moment the world has decided to take a drastic turn for the worse.

And with such situations, I’m curious as to what is going on in someone’s mind at the very end.  Yes, that is rather disturbing, because I even thought this with my father as well, who fell to his death. But what caused this to come to mind at the moment, besides all of the dark songs that are curiously playing right now, is a post on Help.com, a website I regularly visit, where people post their problems online, seeking answers, and one such post was from someone I know online, she posted that she felt her life was unfulfilled, tying that with my recent reading of the Colorado Massacre, caused my thinking to take a left turn. Now my thoughts go towards pondering what the last thoughts were of those people who died, even of the gunman who apparently was a candidate for a field in neurology. This individual is practically everything I want to be, so it eludes me why would he do such a thing, from Scientist to Murder, in one night… Sorry, I’m digressing.

I really wondered about what things in life people wished they had done before they meet their end, however unexpectedly. Were they in the process of it? Or had they kept putting it off due to compromises and circumstances? If someone shot me dead right now, how much regret would I be filled with?

The answer is: A Lot. Plain and simple. I’ve always tried to make sure I am good with people, often trying to be honest and tactful, so there’s really nothing left unsaid between us. Yet in terms of what I wanted to do, to see, to experience, those categories are rather lacking.

Needless to say, my life is rather unfulfilled.

I’m often associated with potential and never-been-done-before achievements, with my goals and current progress, yet, in terms of making my own life interesting, I have nothing. I don’t have many experiences that solidify my own self, that don’t allow me to really stand my ground. I mean, it’s my current interests that have allowed me my rules and honors and beliefs, yet, very few experiences have given me reason enough to really give them strength. For example, I know it’s wrong to pollute, yet I’ve never stood at a monument that completely surrounded me with a sense of awe, and wonder, and the sense that “This is the power of Nature”. I feel should I experience such a feeling, I would be more adamant about not throwing things away.

I guess, my point really is that, I want to live life on my own terms, yet I’m currently restricted through circumstances. Yet, regardless of whatever circumstances I am in, I’m going to try to be as honorable and respectful as possible, even if it’s menial work, or talking to someone I greatly dislike. That way, should I die an early death, I can say, “I didn’t get a chance to do everything, but I at least was honorable about what I did do.” Or something to that extent.

I guess, as my heart goes out to those who have lost their lives, I hope that I’m able to live life in their honor, by doing the things I’ve always wanted to do, because they can’t anymore. Their goals will remain unfulfilled, their experiences no longer will be felt by them, and all of their efforts and potentials, will remain unknown, if not forgotten… I hope I’m able to make it… I want to fulfill my goals before death finally catches up with me. I want to make this world better, if only for one person.

For You, My Dear Reader

This is for you, to take from it anything that can help you in your quest in Life. I’m but a simple man trying to find his own path, to make his own mark in this world. I know I’ll probably never see you in real life, and on the off-chance that we do meet face-to-face, I’ll probably never make the connection between you to this journal of mine.

In either case, I’m glad that you’re here, that you’ve decided to take time off your day in your life to read a random one in mine. I know a lot of these posts will be random and full of information that will never be understood unless I sit down with you and reveal every association that was missed in the post itself.

No, I’m not dying, nor am I leaving this journal just yet, I merely want to address you for now. To acknowledge that you are, indeed, real, as am I, that we are both humans on our own paths, moving, acting, believing, breathing, and not ghosts floating across a sea of gray.

I imagine us sitting together in front of a fireplace, simply enjoying each others company and just letting the silence sink into our souls, bring peace of mind and tranquility between us, making us feel like old friends who’ve reunited after being too long apart. We look at each other and smile over the times that have transpired, that we were blessed to have been witnesses to, that we have shared.

Needless to say, I don’t know the future, nor am I certain of what lies ahead. But if I can, I try to remain optimistic about it, regardless of the lies, the death and the evil that is displayed before our eyes, I look forward towards all of the life-changing events that will never been seen on Television, or recorded over the internet, those unseen moments that occur between a select few that changes the world from underneath everyone and causes hope to be restored once again.

I love those moments. I wish there was as much of them in our lives as possible.

So for you, my dear Reader, I will offer these words, these entries, these experiences. I don’t know how useful they will be to you, nor if they will merely entertain you, but if they inspire you, comfort you, or even give you a sense of perspective, then I am glad. For despite the fact that I use this for personal reasons, I’ve always kept this journal public, I have no intentions of winning awards or being recognized on any sort of scale, with this. I only simply want it here. A collection of my thoughts that anyone can read. It sounds intriguing, to tell you the truth. I’ve often wondered who would really read this, and if they did, would they understand my way of thinking?

Ha ha ha, it’s a curiosity that I like to muddle over.

… I am what I am. Weird, uncertain, nerdy… heh, red… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So I offer to you, dear Reader, all that I am, on these pages. I will not hold back anything from you, and if you think less of me in the future, then I apologize, however I will always try to be truthful as well as tactful. And if you decide to not read this anymore, then what more can I say other than, “Meh.” ?

Dearest Reader, I’m going to warn you and believe me when I say this: I am going to push the boundaries of this world as far as I can. I am going to defy and defeat my Demons and all of the Non-Believers, who say that I cannot do something. I am going to save the Broken, the Beatened, and the Damned.

I give you my word.

A Summer Sunrise

Today, I had to wake up at 4AM to drive John to the Metro, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, however on the way back, I noticed that the sun was starting to rise, and that filled me with a sense of awakeness, for I didn’t go back to sleep, but stayed up and watched the sunrise… And then I got to thinking…

Normally, I wouldn’t give it a second thought about the idea of going back to sleep, and collapse on my bed. But today, I didn’t, I… couldn’t. I was compelled to stay awake and I felt as if I had to watch this sunrise. And then, I started thinking about why people are the way they are. For example, John was never the grateful kind, from when he asked me to drive for him (or less like a lack of a request, more like a “Hey, I need to get to the Metro…” “…Uhh, I take it you want me to drive you?” “Well, yeah, how else am I going to get there?”) to the end, I never got a word of appreciation, and at this point, I don’t expect it from him. There’s simply no point, he’s lost in his hypocrisy, and I don’t think he’ll change, so I won’t be holding my breath.

So, had I have been driving for someone else, I would’ve gotten a much different experience. It wasn’t because John was never raised to be polite, he was, as were we all, yet, he chose to place certain things above others. He translated nature and nurture into what he is now, granted, it’s not the best of people, but it is who he is. He’s taken whatever is in his blood, in his mind, and in his heart, and ordered them in what he thought was best…. err… except for him, he placed himself first before anyone else, so I’ll switch from him to a general example.

As we grow in life, we are met with many influences, both good and bad. Each of which helps us form what we think is right and wrong in this world, sometimes, they blind us to other truths, and sometimes they open our eyes to the situation at hand. Yet, we decide what the worth is of each influence that comes across us, and often times, they don’t get fully appreciated as what they are, or on the other hand, they get underrated and overlooked over others. Yet, I believe that it is both, Nature and Nurture that helps us become who we are, yet, each of them have their influence in different levels across varying degrees, and some are more tangible than others, yet, regardless of how grant an influence, I strongly believe that you can change every aspect of yourself, if you so willed it.

It is in this power, that is what truly separates one person from the other, from how he faces adversity to how he laughs with a snort, we truly are the results of our own decisions, regardless of how much influence we’ve faced, we ultimately decide our fates. Which brings up the question, “What about God, and His will?” Yes, I’m a Roman Catholic, and whenever I can, I pray a Rosary before I go to sleep. God is a very large influence– scratch that, He IS the largest influence– He blesses us with rewards and shines light upon us in our darkest hour, yet, if we’ve chosen to believe, and made ourselves believe that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, then it would be more difficult to see God’s light. All the while, wondering, why nothing is helping us, or why we feel abandoned, when we have turned our backs towards the ever-opened hands that was there all along.

So it’s interesting sometimes to interact with someone who thinks only of themselves, and steps on others, for personal benefit, It always makes me wonder what possible reasons, factors, and experiences could’ve made the person in that way. Eventually, it boils down to: Was it something good or something bad? Bad people can come from good things, ie the spoiled Prince and good people can come from bad things, ie the Good guy from the wrong side of the tracks.

So it has come to mind, that when you’re trying to change a grand influence, like your genetics, the fight is rather uphill, mostly because it’s been established for years or the requirements have high standards, etc etc, but I also think that it’s because, as in Life, any fight that’s difficult is oftentimes proportional to how much value the results bear. So to change something within your life that’s becoming difficult, often times a sign that this change will become worth it in the end… heh, Or not, that’s the great thing about Life, one never really knows. I’m glad that it still holds that sort of mysteriousness in my heart.

So now as I finish this, I’ll end it by saying, “Good morning.”

Here we go…

Today is the day before the MCAT, I’m currently in San Diego in a hotel room, and surprizingly all by myself. I’ve never had a room to myself, ever! This is fascinating! I can do whatever I want and I’m the only one here!

OK all that aside, throughout the entire day today, I was nervous, head downward, walking around my hand moving the skin on my forehead back and forth, thinking, pondering, worrying. Stressing over how I’m going to study on my last day before the exam. I was filled with doubts and questions, “What if I don’t do well?”, “What if I perform poorly and let everyone down?”, “What if 6 months isn’t enough for someone like me?” and so on. Basically, I was giving in to self-doubts like I said I wouldn’t. And so I tried to review and study, I found this website that had the entire mechanisms from Orgo, heh, it was all right there, the easiest way to put it together and on the last day, I’ve found it. Figures…

So as I was trying to focus and observe/learn the formulas and path ways, I can feel the anxiety building, so I went to the NF chat seeking at least an open ear. And when I was explaining my situation, one of the members, Shukar, calmed me down, by telling me that worrying in of itself, is a pointless act that will not change the outcome of the test tomorrow. Panicking right at the very end will only make me suffer and not improve my knowledge at all, so I must learn to calm down.

Sound advice, right? Once I read it, I found that it was something I would say to a friend who would be in the same situation!

But I still couldn’t shake it, I was greatly comforted but not completely, and so I went into a Mediterranean restaurant to eat some dinner and after I ordered my food, I was back to having my head in my hands, thinking, “What if… What if…” and then something sparked within me, “… How often will you be in a room by yourself?” and then another spark, “How often will anyone say that they’ve come this far?” “What’s going on?” “Do you realize where you are? How far you’ve gone? What you’ve seen, done, felt, and experienced?!”

A smile slowly grows on my face…

I have,… haven’t I? I have come a long ways from where I’ve originated… from where anyone with my blood has come. “How often will I have a chance to stand up and prove myself?” It strangely provided me with comfort, I was chuckling to myself in the middle of the restaurant. “Yes, I will take this opportunity and make it mine! I will prove myself to this world! I will make my stand here!” I felt inspired, like I can take it then and there. I’m good. I’m ready, although, I also feel like I’m walking towards my own impending doom.

That dark cave that hides the grand beast that is causing pain and turmoil, over the entire land and wants nothing more than to sate it’s own thirst for destruction. And I’m the one who stands before it, with the potential to save the world or be crushed along with it.

OK, so it’s a bit much, but still, everyone is the center of their own story, and this is mine. These pages are full of my thoughts and words, so these are it. Despair or Joy, it’s all here. My reflections. My thoughts. My weird sense of humor. Which reminds me, today for lunch, I went to a Chinese buffet and when I finished I grabbed my fortune cookie and it read:

Pack your bags, You are bound for an exciting destination to the far east

And my thoughts immediately after: “GASP! The Caribbeans are east of me!!”  So that sorta lifted my spirits in some vague sense of affirmation. Meh, it’s not much but it was something to laugh at.

OK it’s about to be midnight now, I was hoping to get a chance to write something to my readers, but I guess that’ll wait for another time. I’m going to try to sleep and not think about tomorrow. Heh… Ha ha ha…

How will you be remembered?

Yesterday, my family and I were cleaning the house and while I was dismantling a rusting, metallic structure, my brother was throwing some garbage in the dumpster, and then a guy pulled over.

He asked if someone with my father’s name lives here. My brother told him that my father had passed away, and started talking to him. After sometime, I walked over as well, and as it turns out, the guy had worked with my father, when he had a second job as a Pizza Delivery driver.

The Guy went on and said that all my father would talk about was his children, and when asked (by him) why was he working so hard, my father replied, “To keep my family happy.” After the guy left, I was pondering to myself…

How will I be remembered after I’m gone?

My father was remembered as the man who worked hard for his family. What will I be known as? The Clown? The Know-it-all? The Baby? The Guy who aimed high and failed?

*shudder* I don’t want to think about that last one…

Heh, I guess at this point the question shall forever remain rhetorical, because simply enough, I won’t be around to be remembered. All I can do is be myself and if that’s something that causes people to remember bad memories of me, then so be it. I cannot please everyone, nor should I try, simply because there’s bound to be someone who doesn’t like me for reasons unknown. And who am I to change their opinion?

Suffice to say, I will never know the answer to this question. I guess everyone will have their own answers, I can only hope that I can make them have that little smirk, when they’re remembering me.

Of anything else, I want that smile because it signifies a special, or hopefully hilarious, memory of me, or of something that occurred that’s attached to me. Either by words or by deeds, I would like to have that smile brought upon everyone’s face when they’re remembering me, I hate disappointing people, that feeling just kills me, and I hate making people sad or cry, there were times when I had to, not through pain, but through the breaking of barriers and the opening of closed hearts, revealing to themselves an emotion that they have never felt before.

I realize now that, I’m still a young man, and that I’m not going to know what to do all the time, nor will I ever be the strong person that I want to be. My youth is still present within me, and I still need to mature over time. I may joke about Death and Life, thinking it’s a game, and it is at times, but I know that my current level of knowledge about both are that of a Child’s, full of mystery and wonder, innocent and somewhat naive of the true nature of Reality. But as time passes, I will start putting away my childish thinking, I will eventually start to lose that spark, that bit of wonder in this world.

But I can’t lose it completely…

There are going to be a lot of reality checks thrown in my face, but that’s a sign that I need to hold on to that child-like faith with more force than I can ever muster. Simply because “Life has a purpose, and its purpose is Life.”