‘Brother’

So I had the talk with Josue this evening. It was relieving and somewhat strange telling him how I felt, especially my hatred for the man. And in doing so, I’ve learned that he was sincere as well as establish who I really am in his eyes, more than the Smiling child, that he sees me to be. I’ve told him how often I’ve tried to earn a different light in his eyes, and I’m not sure whether or not he’s believed me, but I believed him when he said he was sorry about the actions he took to have made me feel this way, “I will do my best” is what he said, and the moment I heard him spoke those words, my Hatred was dwindling. During the talk, I can feel my Hatred blinding me, it was strange, I focused on his right eye, and I can see the rest of my vision whitening, until all that I could see was his eye.

I know that this was my Hatred trying to blind me. Trying to prevent me from settling things with Josue. But, with my morals and ethics in check, and ready to prevent me from allowing myself to be overcome by them.

I do not ever think that I know everything, but I can tell that Josue still doesn’t know the extend of my abilities, not by a long shot. Yet, I think at the end, he sees the gap between him and myself, although I don’t think he understands how wide that gap is, well he put it as a mountain.

I must admit that it felt strange to have him say that his goal is Me. That I am at the top of this mountain that he’ll try to conquer, that I am worth the fight, the effort, the blood, sweat, and tears.

Well time will tell what the future holds for my Brother.

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal

From Albert Pike, This Pearl talks about Philanthropy, and mean Altruistic.

In a world of Material empires, of digital worlds conquered, of friends frozen faces plastered over pixels on a screen, It’s strange how much of these things we do for ourselves, and only for ourselves.

For this Pearl, one must think about what one does for other people. I mean, really think about it, displays of kindness are not expected from other people, so it’s all the more effective when someone receives it. And whether or not your name was retained, the actions that you took will always stay with the individual. As optimistic as people can be, no one really expects kind acts from a random stranger, often times, people have reasoned with, “Why would they go out of their way to help me?” or “They do not know me, therefore they will not help me.” A kind act for a friend is somewhat expected, because you know each other, after all, but a kind act from a stranger, renews the idea that people are kind in general, that the world isn’t full of selfishness, of pessimism. The books of history are filled with people who have  stepped outside of their own comfort zones and have acted in a way, not of self-perseverance, but of selflessness, they acted with the ideals that they valued more than their own lives and safety.

Psychology 101, Professor Maslow has discovered that people have particular needs that are met before others are, a Pyramid of Need, if you will. At the Base of the Pyramid, are the most basic and dire of needs, that are fulfilled before anything else, these are Physiological, the need to breathe, eat, sleep, drink water, etc. Following this is the Security needs, a Home, a family, a social circle, etc. Upon this is the sense of Belonging, followed by Self-Esteem, and finally, at the Peak of the Pyramid, is the Self-actualization of one’s Needs, in this peak lies morality, acceptance, creativity, and so forth. Now with each individual in their uniqueness, the Pyramids are unique as well, with each need and desire, modified to the individual.

And now we reach the central message of this Pearl, To uphold and act on behalf of values, ethics, and morals, that will benefit others and not ourselves. This completely defies the afore mentioned Pyramid in placing someone else’s Base, or part of their Pyramid at your Peak. Now, as such actions are, the effort on the part of the individual who’s helping, can be minimal, yet for them, they bear the satisfaction of thinking of a lesser person, someone who isn’t a friend, someone who does not bear the resources to repay the act of kindness. For the target, it’s satisfying to them, to realize that there is still good in this world, that ‘Someone is watching out for them.’ Such an event can completely turn around someone’s perspective on how their day is going, their week, their Life. People are moved when hearts are connected and, although not often not intended, are encouraged to further the feelings of kindness and goodness.

A kind gesture can cause such a reaction that can change the very world for the better. and the one person doing the kind act, will forever live in eternity as the Selfless One, who but for however brief a moment, thought of someone else’s needs rather than his/her own.

Two Wolves

This post isn’t a traditional one, but it is a Pearl that I simply must share with others.

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, “Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.” He continued, “It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.”

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked, “Which one wins, Grandfather?”

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, “The one I feed.”

There is a more famous and modified version of this story which is below.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

“What did you do today?”

I find myself asking this question to my reflection, and he’s yet to provide me with an answer.

Heh, I guess this signifies that I’m a bit lost right now in life. I’m confused because with this move that we’re planning, I feel like I cannot make any solid commitments towards furthering my plans.

I was asked today, can I be the bigger person and set aside my hatred, that I now realize I was purposefully harboring for him. Well it’s sort of subconsciously purposefully, I didn’t think that I was willingly doing so, but when Steph, asked me to try and talk with him, patching things up, and what not, I realize that I was feeling that I was getting cheated out of my anger and vengeance… Well perhaps not vengeance, but I’m at the point that I can care less of what happens to the man.

Sigh… But that’s the right thing to do.  I’ve now come to realize that my question isn’t “What did I do today” but “Which of the 2 Wolves am I feeding” I’m referring to the Cherokee story of the 2 wolves that represent the bad and good qualities in all individuals. Suffice to say, I’ve been feeding the Bad Wolf, which I have rather envisioned as a pitch-black wolf with red eyes and always in a crouched position with teeth bared. With this, I’ve imagined the Good wolf to be a White wolf obviously, with Black eyes, stands erect and stares you down, without any movement nor hesitation.

But this is internal, and I must deal with this before I become consumed by the Black Wolf. On another note, my little sister wrote me a letter, which was why she was asking for my address, which relieved me of my fears that I was going to get a wedding invitation or a pregnancy test in the mail. Heh, but all joking aside, I enjoyed it, I’m glad that she has decided to write me something, I’ve always wanted a pen pal. It provides a rather familiarity with the writing that emails simply cannot  provide.

It’s getting late however, or early, and I need to sleep for Thanksgiving’s preparations. See you around.

Cinnamon, Oregono, and Lemon quarters

…. and a little Honey for flavor. These are the ingredients for a home remedy for the common cold, I was taught to make whenever I got sick. It tastes TERRIBLE, but I cannot deny it’s efficiency.

It’s been 2 days now, I’ve got a runny nose, and some phlegm in my throat. I’ve been pretty good, function-wise, yet all in all, I’m working at 50% of my normal capacity, I can tell my mind has slowed along with my actions, My temperature is elevated, should I move too quickly, my head throbs with some slight pain, heh, apathy is increased, along with cynicism and introversion, in proportion with the decline with compassion, enthusiasm, and energy.

Suffice to say, my being sick sucks, luckily my energy distribution allows most of my negativity to be aimed towards myself, so it makes life pretty funny, for me, and others. Alas I can only hope that I’m better before it’s time for me to go Bowling with my Library friends, otherwise I’m going to have to not show, despite that it could be my last reunion with them. Oh boy, this is not going to end well, should I not be well enough to go.

So I have to get plenty of rest, fluids, and relaxation. With having the week off from school, this shouldn’t be too difficult.

“For Immortality!!!”

Today, Norm, Greggy, and I saw the Immortals, which was rather interesting, however due to my knowledge of Greek mythology, the Gods seemed really dumbed down, Power-wise, yet action-wise, it was pretty good. I loved how they fought, especially Athena, I don’t know who that woman is, but she can fight.

Earlier tonight, I had asked Mel, what she thought I would consider the kind of girl I’d go for, it was a rather interesting conversation, she thinks I go for the Intellectual type, Non-party girl. I’ll admit that I’m not the kind to find a girl in a Bar, or a Dance club. I guess a girl who’d understand that there’s more to this world than just what we see, Someone I can have a conversation with, Someone I can take to see a view and fully take in the moment.

Then the conversation took a twist as i said, finding a girl who would take a Martial Art, someone like that would show great discipline, someone who can understand the world beyond this physical and materialistic one, also someone who knows how to take care of their body. I can only hope that whoever I find, I will remember to put enough effort to fight for her.

So that in the end, my immortality can be achieved, by passing down knowledge and wisdom and good times with my own children. The art of being a Knight, a true Catholic Christian, and a Good Man.

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts

Said by none other than Albert Einstein. I wonder why people hardly associate scientists with anything other than chemicals and equations, when here we have a famous physicist who saw that there was more to life than the Laboratory.

What this Pearl consists of is the fact that too many people rarely take the opportunity to experience Life from a first-person perspective. I always tell people that I don’t trust critics, the reason why I say this, is because Life has more flavor when experienced first-hand. “I wish I could’ve been there.” “I’d given anything to go!” People have spoken these words at least once in their life, and the reason why they say this is because there’s something special about the moment that cannot be explained, to see the Band play, actually see every movement of the arm as the chord is struck or the falling of the drumstick as it hits that final cymbal, to see the face the singer wears as sings with out any digital ocean of 0’s and 1’s between you and them.

To know that despite the fact that you are simply one of many, or just by yourself, it is simply you and you alone that is in that full moment, Wholly, Entirely, Purely, Just you alone in that moment, everything will become a part of history, Your history. Having this engraved in your memory, every breathe, every moment that takes your breathe away, all of it.

For this Pearl, what is asked of us is to take every opportunity we have to see, feel, and experience Life for yourself. Be in the Moment, for it is yours, and yours alone.

A person should want to live, if only out of curiosity

A Yiddish Proverb.

I like how this is rather short and light. Too often people have questioned their existence, yet I think this can help people start their journeys of life.

When more serious thought is put into it, it reveals that Life has no destiny, no set path, and in order to see how it ends, one must see it through. ‘Define Life in your own terms! You will never know what you’ll find on this path, unless you go out there and see it for your own eyes!’ These come to mind when I read this quote, Life has so many mysteries, There are volumes of Knowledge just begging to be learned, and the untapped potential that lies within someone is deeper than any ocean on this planet. The borders of this Life extend far beyond this world, imagine the galaxies that lie just beyond our grasp, and then you look at the universe that is within your own body and realize that you are a walking Universe with thousands of living and non living organisms just moving about their daily lives. Take it to another level and you have the unknown, unseen universe, Willpower, Control, Energy, Spiritual, Music, Art, Philosophy, Religion. Our lives are consisted of Thousands of worlds simply overlapping upon one another, and yet so few people realize how extensive their Life really is. All it takes is a little push, and sometimes that push is “I wonder if…” Normally I’m not a big fan of ‘If’ but there are occasional exceptions to it, and those are good especially if it causes you to test the limits of your world, and reach as far as you can, Shape the worlds into one that best suits your definition of what Life can be.

Start wondering what Life means to you, and you will not waste a single moment of it.

A Lovely Clouded Evening

Today, as well as these last few days have been cloudy and I’m enjoying every minute of it. It’s strange how just having a cloudy day would brighten mine so much. I almost feel guilty because so many other people don’t like the clouds, they prefer routine weather, sunny with nothing more to it. Bah! Such weather drives me to creativity, which causes me to long for changes to the norm.

I guess I’m a guy who sees Life as constructed by different days, to have each day be completely different from the previous, and unattached to the next.

Today I did nothing but do the dishes, heat up the food, and play Insanely Twisted  Dark Planet, it’s rather addicting, and long with work right now, I’ve completed my completely unproductive day. I feel pretty good! It’s enticing knowing that I have nothing pressing upon my shoulders, although where I to put serious thought into my time, there are loads of things I could’ve done. But, I’m content with nothing. Stillness. Enjoying the moment for the sake of the moment.

I can only hope that Thunder and Lightening will come back and play with me again. How I miss them.

Remember, remember the 5th of November…

Today I woke up at 9am, the time I had set my alarm to, from then, I had planned on making Norm a good breakfast, but when I got downstairs he was awake waiting for us to go to the stores, heh, to my surprize, I had forgotten that I told him that I was going to wake him up at 9am. So we were out the door around 9:40am, and while we were chatting and joking at random stuff, we got to the Bank and ironically ran into the same individual that gave Mom trouble through misinterpretation of words. So after that little delay, we decided to eat breakfast at Farmer Boys, and now we were on our way to Sam’s and from there we picked up the stuff we needed, along with the Lunch for today, which was Winco Chicken and sides, All of these things are consistent of a normal day. When we got home, I asked if I could play Dead Rising, a game that is satisfying my desires associated with the Zombie Apocalypse, but was denied that chance, when I was reminded that it had been a couple of days since I was supposed to do the dishes, so I grabbed my iPod and went to work. Upon mid-way in tackling the pots and pans, Tio Manuel and his wife came by, which was rather random, they wanted to talk to my mom however she was feeling sick these last few days, and along with the weather changes, wasn’t up for talking much, we offered to let them speak to her for a bit, albeit, she can’t talk much, they declined because Tio is also suseptible to catching anything should he interact with a sick person. So they left, after Tio used the bathroom…

Suddenly, I found myself preparing my things because Mom wanted to go to the Urgent care, she was having difficulty breathing, and my heart sank. As we loaded her up in the van, I offered to stay behind and take the Tahoe to get to work, refusing Norm’s offer to have him drop me off, (in hindsight, I should’ve accepted) with the idea that Norm shouldn’t leave Mom for whatever reason. I found myself somewhat forcing myself to eat, yet the food didn’t taste very well, I was focused on Mom, which was rather strange, because I didn’t worry so much about her Hospital visits before. But this time was different… ‘I could lose her too…’ I thought, ‘Is it now? So soon? I thought she had more reason to stay…‘ Thoughts of her death being eminent ran through my mind, and before I knew it, it was time for me to go to work.

I searched Norm’s desk, the Key holder, nothing. So I’m thinking ‘Where did he put those keyes?‘ So I called Greggy, asking him to ask Norm where are the keyes, “… In my pocket… Tell him I’ll be there.” I hear in the background… ‘Stupid,’ I thought, ‘I told you to always put them away.‘ So after calling work, and having a little chat with Tania, telling her that I was going to be late, all I could do was just sit there and wait. I was watching Gladiator while I was eating, so I resumed watching that, occasionally glancing out the window incase Norm had returned. When he did, I asked him what the plan was, either to give me the Tahoe keyes, or the Van keyes, ‘Surely, he won’t still think to drop me off.‘ To my surprize, that was his plan: To drive to the Hospital, then get off, while I drive to work. After a little spat between us, we were alright, eventually joking with each other, towards the end. Now I was on my way to work, and when I got there, Tania welcomed me with a smile, and then I clocked in and she was out the door.

Work was rather normal, I was reading my new Manvotional book, along with chatting with Caitlyn, Baby and Lily for a little while, along with texting Marlena, the ending being Taylor a fan of Art of Manliness, which caught me by surprize, because I hadn’t expected anyone so near to me being a fan of them. Heh, suffice to say, I had convinced him to buy the new Manvotional book, also it was brought to my attention that today was the 5th of November, and several people repeated the London rhyme, “Remember, remember the 5th of November, the Gunpowder, treason, and Plot” to my own idiocy, I hadn’t made the connection. Norm had texted me a few minutes earlier that Mom was now ok, she had fluid built-up in her lung and that was causing pressure elsewhere in her torso. The doctor had given her a pill that would make her pee a lot, and soon, we found ourselves loading her up into the Tahoe and on our way home. I called John and Greggy called Josue, updating them on the situation. And now Mom was back in her room relaxing as before.

It’s strange, now that Mom’s my last parent, I find myself greatly preoccupied with her visits, I guess there’s a lingering fear that one of these visits will be her last. A fear I should put to rest, because she has no intentions of leaving soon, nor do I have any for leaving her. Images of myself falling towards my knees arise when I think that I’ll lose her, almost like, I’ve been defeated in a battle or something. I don’t want to think those thoughts anymore.

Well this particular entry is interesting, because I was thinking about my day, via Scrubs, where I sit down and put effort into thinking about what had happened throughout the day. Suffice to say, I’m able to remember the entire day… Which is a first for me, I usually don’t remember days in their entirety. Perhaps this is the start of a rather interesting trend, maybe I’ll have philosophical narratives to go along with it… I probably could do it…