The Girl: MJ

Over these last few months, I have came into contact with a girl who in that short timespan, had completely turned my world upside down.

I had never intended to allow myself to develop such strong feelings for her, and yet once the conversation between us had started, I found myself not wanting to stop. There is a major problem between us, and that is ironically one of Faith. She is Southern Baptist and I am Catholic. And the depth of our ties to our respective faiths seems equal to each other. And yet… Nearly everything else about her draws me to her. Her thoughts and ways of thinking, her humor, her views on life, even the nerdy things that I thought I was alone in appreciating, she also appreciates too. I find myself unable to resist falling for her and it’s driving me seemingly mad. There honestly hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about her in one form or another. She’s my first and last thought and I pray for nothing more than her happiness.

What makes this especially unique is that how much I feel about her, she feels towards me! But she was uncertain that a relationship could form between us because of the different religions. She would want a united household under the same faith, and I want… her.

Up to this point, the entire affair has been online and I’m both thankful and regretful of it, because one, If she was right here next to me, I would’ve held her and kissed her and would have the most difficult time letting her go. And two, this has given me a chance to appreciate her mind and her words before seeing how attractive she physically is (unfortunately, that is somewhat of a factor for me).

She had asked me if we could not talk for 3 months, and so far, I’m going insane with her constantly on my mind. I’m rereading our conversations, I’m listening to the voice messages she had left me over and over again, everything that even gets me close to listening to her personality and humor. And yes, I am fully aware of how this sounds! I sound obsessed! And I’m not usually like this. I’m calm and collected and detached (at least to the point where I can easily walk away from someone) but this? I don’t know what this is, but the worst part (or best, depending on your point of view) is that I feel so happy that I am feeling this miserable. I feel happy that I am capable of such… love. I never knew how it felt before (which would probably explain why I’m reacting in this manner). But I am in miserable bliss… Or is it blissful misery? Well, getting back to the point, these 3 months of “radio silence” are for her to sort through her emotions and to officially consider dating me or not. I care that much about her that I foolishly agreed to it and am going crazy thinking about her.

In either case, mid-August is when we will resume our conversation and I will hear her answer as to whether or not we are going to give this a try. I desperately hope that she says yes, but I will respect her wishes (however devastating it may be to me) if she says no. Sigh… I’m kinda glad I have this because it has helped me NOT look at the pictures she has sent me nor the songs she’s sung to me, nor the words she’s written to me… But it still doesn’t help with the fact that I’m truly falling for this girl. If she says yes. I might die of happiness, and I feel like that isn’t an exaggeration.

If I were to marry anyone, I really hope that God has me marrying this one.

My life in Vegas so far

There are a lot of things that have happened since the last time I wrote in this journal, but a quick summary so far:

• I will begin my Orthotics Residency program at the Clinic
  • Which means I am on the right track to begin my career!
    • Well, I guess I was already on the right track with school, so I guess you can say that this is officially the next step!
  • I will need to review and re-study Orthotics, since it is my weaker subject
• I’m living away from home for the first time in my life, and I’m more underprepared than I thought
  • By the good graces of my Landlady, she’s been feeding me and helping me out. But I make sure that I still pay my rent and not to rely too heavily on her kindness
  • Thanks to this, I now have the knowledge to really prepare for the next step, when I move in with my best friend in October.
• I am making some new friends and I’m kind of glad of these ones, some in person, others online
  • My newest online friend I currently have the hugest crush on, but I don’t think it’s reciprocated, but at least she knows.
• I’m making do with this quarantine, even though my externship is over, I can still work as a volunteer and help out and gain more experience. The more I do the better I’ll become.
• I’ll try to get back into the flow that I used to have when I first started writing this journal

2020, the Return

It is now the new year. And I’m dusting this thing off simply to type.

“I’m back.”

My Curiosities

I’ve noticed as of late that my mind tends to “settle” and I can actually function without thoughts or ponderings or even the slightest of fantasies (clean ones, mind you) pass through my attention. I drive and my mind is blank. I’m working on the task at hand and I’m not thinking about planets or viruses or philosophy. My day can start and end without flying off hundreds of miles away in some other realm.

I don’t like that.

A couple of days ago I was proud of myself for talking someone through a miscommunication at work. I was unbiased, open, and clear in my position. So when I felt proud of what I did, it was genuine and not boastful. I’m glad that I have that trait that can sit and talk with people and work things out. This is something about myself that I hope I never lose, God willing.

So when I noticed that my mind didn’t wander and ponder like it used to, I actually missed that. I like thinking about random things and having my curiosity tug at the corner of my free time and lead me down a path I didn’t intend to go.

So, after hearing a podcast from aom about how de Vinci let his mind and curiosity take the wheel while he wrote notes on everything, I felt inspired.

So I am making an effort to keep my mind sharp and not let it get drained on video games and Facebook. I’m going to use this journal to not only house my reflections but also my thoughts and ponderings as I face them in the world.

Lately, I’ve been having an itch for robotics and how to implement that into a human, or rather on a living creature. A sort of start for my future research when I get my Master’s. I think I’ll start by looking into what was already done before and find out how exactly they did what they did.

I have to try to find the joy in it. Usually when I endeavor on something like this purely out of curiosity it never really gets fulfilled, case in point: this journal that got tossed to the wayside. But I don’t want to lose that part of myself that likes to learn new things. And school is going to start soon, so I need to keep my mind fresh for the new info.

I guess I’ll start a new section on this book. Hmmm, I wonder what I should call it. Notes? Nah. Research? No, I don’t think so. Ehh, I’ll figure it out later. Right now I’m cooking dinner and I can’t let this burn.

Heh, real time journaling.

Well at the current moment I suppose I will simply just use ‘My Curiosities’ because that’s kinda what it is. I’m curious about something and I want to know what it is, is about, or what about it that fascinates me. Like that song from Moana that the crab sings, “Shiny” I find that I particularly like the transition when his song (and the crab himself) got darker. I like songs that have that sort of “shift” I wonder what it’s officially called.

Hmmm, I better have some kind of filing or way to separate and organize my curiosities otherwise it’ll look like a jumbled mess.

In either case, I’m kinda excited about this. I want to learn new things and I kinda want to waste time on things that no one bothered to think about. This should be fun!

How to change in the eyes of others in an instant

Gain authority.

It doesn’t matter how little or grand, as soon as you have an authority that others do not, you’re immediately viewed differently.

I had recently gotten a small promotion at work, I was a regular phlebotomist, and now I’ve obtained the title of Senior Phlebotomist. Not Supervisor, not Manager, just Senior. It’s literally a small step above, it can be easily taken away as it was given, not to mention that the only thing I really have is more responsibility.

More work is something I expected, people suddenly viewing me in a different light is something I didn’t.

And I suppose, that’s a fault on my end. People, especially petty ones, will instantly talk behind your back as soon as you have something that they don’t have. The irony is that it doesn’t matter whether or not they really wanted it, or earned it, it’s simply something you have that they don’t.

The sin of Envy, manifested.

And I know I’m partly writing this entry out of spite, but I’m more frustrated at myself for not considering how my obtaining this title affects others. My words suddenly have more bite, and my tone of voice must be precise, lest someone thinks that I’m mad or angry.

I guess the worst part is how people have forgotten who you were before you were given the title. Now all they see when they look at you is simply a ‘Higher-up’ who has to be feared/hated/watched. What was once free to joke about is now considered taboo. And one’s conduct is now scrutinized.

But it’s not all bad. For one, I’ve learned how to adjust under pressure, and where priorities lie between myself and others. and how to provide that wall between myself and others, while not losing my common touch. I guess, I should use this as an exercise for when moments come that I must take charge over others. As I climb higher and higher on my own path to life, it should be expected that there will be such moments.

I guess I wish I knew to shield myself from others sooner, oh well, “dare to be naive” as the old saying goes. Like all things, God has blessed me with, it’s another lesson I have to learn so as to become a better person in the future.

How other people see me is completely outside of my control, what is under my control is how I let their actions affect me. Toxic people will try to manipulate me, and if not me, then the people around me. What I can do about that is… Well, nothing. All I can do is just keeping doing what I’ve always done, and let my work speak for itself. If others are persuaded, then that’s fine, if they’re not, then that’s also fine.

I will keep moving forward. After all, sometimes the best thing to do when you’re going through a bad spot is to simply keep going.

Coming back into the rhythm of things

Man, I’ve had one hell of an absence. Not in the sense that I’ve been gone a long while, but in the sense that I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen while I was gone!

But before I get into all of the interesting things I plan on reflecting on, I’m going to write this entry on how I’ve missed this journal. I like my time spent just pouring my thoughts on here. My thoughts often run rampant in my mind, and with this journal, I can explore each one rather thoroughly. Not to mention the meditative benefits this gives me, with each thought explored, means that’s another thought that is processed and set aside. Lest, it’s something I need to come back to it in the future.

In either case, I want to make more of a conscious effort into writing, reading, and just plain thinking things through. I’ll admit, that I’ve let my Xbox One get the better of my time, and most things have gone to the wayside.

But I’m going to change that. I’m going to start setting times to do things that I really want to do with my time, other than play video games, that is.

So this entry will be a short one, and the future ones will take a bit longer to write, because in the past what I would usually do is just keep writing until I’m finished. Which isn’t bad, except I would finish at like 1 or 2am. And if I want to have sufficient energy to tackle the day, I’m going to need sufficient rest as well.

So here’s to a start of sorts. One of many.

Good Friday

The season of Lent has ended this year and I never spent time trying to understand God’s love for us and it wasn’t until recently that I actually found a way to define it using a scenario that I can understand. And it goes a little something like this…

What I had to work with was basically the love of a parent towards their children or child in this case, and growing up, I’ve always had trouble trying to muddle through and interpret my own emotions with love being the most troublesome to me, but now I’m starting to get a grasp on what it is love can be.

On Good Friday, Christians observe the Crucifixion and Death of Jesus Christ. If one saw the movie the Passion of the Christ, or just any sort of Biblical version of the Crucifixion, one can see that it is as tortuous as it is symbolic. I’d imagine the Romans use it to deter any further insurrections from rebels, thieves, etc etc. But that’s only the start of why we observe this. Christ was always known for turning something that came across as a negative thing or event, and to completely turn it around as something good. “When your enemies strike you, love them instead.” “If you have two coats, give one to someone who has none.” Essentially, Christ is asking you to give of yourself, to change your very way of thinking/reacting and giving to Mercy and Love.

But that isn’t to say that Christ didn’t know what it was like to feel frustration and anger, He just simply chose to do good things, rather than lash out in said emotions. With that being said, Christ knew what lied ahead of Him when he went back to Jerusalem, the Son of Man knew. Let that sink in for a moment, you’re going to go to a city that you absolutely knew would be the location of your death. You knew that walking into this city is the equivalent of stepping towards the guillotine. No one else would’ve thought so, but you, and you alone, knew. And it’s usually at this point, where I’m often left wondering as to why and the extent of God and Christ’s love for us, but my recent revelation helped me complete this thought.

It is because Christ also knew that to do this would save us. To have in the palm of your hands: your own life or the salvation of generations to come. And even then, not everyone will want to be saved by you. To commit this ultimate sacrifice for everyone, even those who’ll reject your teachings, twist your words for the benefit of others, or just plain deny your very existence.

And what does Christ say to all of this? “Not even a question. I choose you.”

You can bring up every sin and deplorable act Mankind has ever done, and Christ would still go through with it. If nothing else, He’d probably still go through with it, even if it gave you (or me) the chance to redeem ourselves from said acts.

(To be honest, I already knew this train of thought, but it always remained a bit of mystery as to understanding the complete gravity of this sacrifice.)

To help me bring this to something I can personally understand, it’s like this:

My father loved his children, despite our shortcomings and flaws, he loved us from the very moment we were born. He’d work himself to his (quite literal) death just so that we were not in want, and gave us whatever he could. He did this, knowing we’d misbehave, we’d do bad in school, or talk back to him. Yet each day he woke up at the same time, over and over again, heading to that same job, over and over again, and driving the same 2-3 hours forward and back, over and over again, for our sake. For the sake of those he loved.

And if one man can do this for his family, I imagined Christ doing this for everyone in this world.

Going deeper than just our words and actions, our thoughts and secrets are not hidden from Him, and yet He still chose us over Himself. Like my father, Christ wouldn’t even hesitate to do what needed to be done for those He loved. I would even go so far as to say, His love for God and for us is what inspires His actions and ultimately, drove him to carry that cross to Golgotha. To look down at us from it, hanging by nothing more than his own flesh and faith, and say to His father, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Now, I’m certain that there are millions of people who’ve already understood this, whereas I’m just barely catching up, but that’s just me. In terms of Faith, and things like Love, I’ve always been the one dumbfounded.

Heh, I guess God got tired of waiting for me to understand on my own, so He gave me this. In either case, I feel joyful at this revelation. As hard as I try to understand God, Christ, and His wonders, I oftentimes need to just stop thinking about it, and take a good long look at what’s being presented to me.

So now, I have to try to be strong in my faith, so that I can give of myself for others, especially for the ones who’d never even think to do the same for me. Heh, because that’s what Christ would want, right?

Where the Warranty Expires…

I just recently turned 30 years old.

It’s strange having this very statement cause me to pause. I’m a man in the middle of my journey, and although I have some accomplishments on my belt, there is more still I wish to do. And now, as my niece puts it, “I’m no longer a kid. I’m an old man.”

I have noticed that my body is starting to hurt in places that hadn’t felt pain before, my infamous bottomless stomach is starting to get full, and my energy is starting to wane in certain times. I can definitely feel it… my body is getting older.

Yet mentally, I feel like my thought processes haven’t changed at all, save for some emotional maturing that was mentioned in previous entries. And I know that I’m still as fit as a fiddle.

So what is it that has changed? Why do I feel this “Age” in certain levels in my life and not in others?

I believe this question was answered by my Brother-in-Law. He told me days before my birthday, that when I hit 30, I hit the age “when the warranty expires.” I inquired as to what he meant, and he explained that I’m at the point where I can’t push myself as much as I used to. My body will not be able to hold like it once did, and if I do, I’ll regret it.

So now along with everything else, on my mental plate, I have to consider how my body can hold out to whatever I can dish it. But this isn’t something I’m too worried about. Quite honestly, I’m actually seeing this as a glass ceiling. What better way to test my limits then by knowing that I’m approaching them? As much as I’ll regret it, I’m curious, if nothing else.

I am 30 years old. Huh… What a strange statement. Time is such a funny thing.

Still. Now that I know that I’m a point in life where things are going to get interesting, then all I can say is, “Bring it on!” I’ve no fear of getting older and wiser, seeing how far this body of mine can be pushed and how much it will push back. All I can do is just embrace the changes that lie ahead.

 

Love is like having a Dog

A couple of weeks ago I had a coffee date with an attractive girl. We talked and the conversation flowed as well as it could and then we played ways. Several members of my family (mainly the females) asked me how did it go with her. And I gave my assessment of the young girl. Unfortunately, I didn’t really connect with her and although there’s nothing with the girl, I just couldn’t see her as a potential for me. One thing I did get out of it though, was an idea as to what kind of girl I’ll be looking for in a potential girlfriend.

A few days ago, I was having a phone conversation with my sister and it shifted over to relationships. As it turns out, my brother also went on a date and his assessment of his date was similar to mine, essentially we just didn’t click with our respective dates. But he is taking her out on another date. I was confused due to the fact that he also reported to not having any chemistry with his date, yet he’s planning on taking her out on a picnic.

You see, I knew walking away that my date and I didn’t click and that a relationship with her wouldn’t be possible. So there was no reason to have another date, this was just one and done. My sister knows how I think and reason (to an extent), and upon telling her this, she’s not surprised in the least. She even helped me try to understand why my brother would take his girl on another date. And then she explains it like this:

“To be in love with someone is like having a dog.”

(My sister always uses her own personal experiences as an example to explain.) Having a relationship is like having a dog. The dog provides a special connection and establishes a relationship with its owner. The dog (usually) doesn’t provide any special services or fulfills any vast need. It doesn’t work, provide financial assistance, or even that good of a conversational partner (depending on how one talks to their dog). But at the same time, you want to be around it, you love it when you spend time with it, even when you’re just sitting down not doing anything. I love our 2 dogs, I’ll take care of them and care for them, not out of any obligation but because I want to. They make me smile and laugh just by being who they are. Even when they do something bad like eat off of the table or go to the bathroom inside the house, I’ll be frustrated with them, but I’ll always forgive them.

My sister and her husband have a surprizingly similar bond. She’s very independent and yet she misses her husband terribly. She has a need for him just to be there. As much as he gets on her nerves, she still loves him and needs him to be there with her (her words). Even if they do nothing at all, she’s perfectly content with his mere presence.

This is very unusual in my eyes, most likely due to the fact that I share no such bond with anyone. And yet, here I am seeing it firsthand, a relationship that I would like to emulate.

Although I won’t contact the girl further, I have what kids now say, “Relationship goals”. I have an idea as to what I would like my future relationship to be with whoever becomes my significant other. It’s interesting, to have this thought. I honestly find this whole subject fascinating.

My thoughts on the Flu

Ahh, Influenza. One of the most common diseases out there. An ever-changing, microscopic virus that constantly plagues us, sometimes in large doses and communities, sometimes in individuals.

It’s fascinating when you think about it, a virus is nothing more than a vessel for a strand of DNA to be inserted into a cell, and for that same strand to fulfill two purposes: 1) Replication, and 2) Inflict whatever symptoms it contains into the host. That’s all it does, it doesn’t feast, it requires no form of energy, it’s arguable that it’s even alive, and yet, here I sit, a carrier of such a virus, that’s apparently potent enough to force me to stay in bed for a week.

My mind gets foggy and my energy is halved, the most miniscule of tasks require more energy to be completed. I can’t even scroll through facebook for too long without having to close my eyes for a moment, because it’s starting to make me dizzy.

What a fascinating, yet aggravating condition, I am in. If I sit perfectly still, watching Netflix, for hours on end, I’m fine, and yet, I stand for a moment and my internal warning signs go off, “Low Energy”, “Can’t Concentrate”, “Need to Sit”.

On the plus side, I’ve finished reading 1984, and Leaf by Niggle. So I’m getting some reading done, despite being bedridden. But my thoughts are often wondering how long am I to be inflicted with this? I suppose my desires to have things needed to be done are invalid when it comes to this, mainly because, I’m not doing myself any favors. If I push myself, I further my illness. If I stay still, I feel like I’m a burden and useless.

Bah. I know the logical solution is to stay still until I’m rid of this virus, but every other part of me wants to be productive, wants to move. Sigh… I guess I have to stay put, despite my personal feelings… Maybe I can get more reading done…